Providence Women

A blog about aging, spirituality, and quality of life in later years.

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  • “Show Me the Doll That Looks Like You”

    Original Tuesday, June 18, 2024

    Tracey Gendron, gerontologist, professor and author of “Ageism Unmasked: Exploring Age Bias and How to End It” says it best: “even the most well-intentioned efforts to educate people about age are often misleading and damaging.”

    Here are two examples of damaging effects that well-meaning people can inflict on their audiences.

    From a website advertising educational resources for Sisters: “As we age, it is expected that we will lose things – health, independence, loved ones and friends, and even meaning.” (Emphasis mine.)

    That “it is expected that we will lose meaning” as we age is a shocking statement, a despairing statement, a damaging statement and totally unfounded. Losing meaning in life is not the natural, developmental state of our later years. But that very concept aligns with the ageist belief that our later years are circumscribed by loss and decline. 

    A second example of misguided and incorrect understanding of aging in material marketed to Sisters is a program titled, “From Autonomy to Interdependence”. Now, there are some good points in that title, namely acknowledging that at some time we live in a mode of interdependence. Actually, this is true not only when we are physically or cognitively limited, it is true throughout our life. The obvious examples include depending that the corner convenience store will be open so that I can buy the gas I need to get to work, or remembering the panic many experienced when the grocery store shelves were so empty (especially the toilet paper shelf) during the COVID pandemic.

    And about trading autonomy for interdependence – Autonomy, according to the Collins online dictionary “is the ability to make your own decisions about what to do rather than being influenced by someone else, or told what to do.”

    So, autonomy has to do with choice. It is one of the domains of quality of life. If we have no autonomy, we have a very diminished quality of life.  With cognitive and/or physical decline, a person may not be as independent as before the onset of these conditions. But the opportunities for autonomy remain. I may not be able to dress myself, but I can choose the dress I would like for another to help me put on. I may not be able to drive to see a dear friend, but I can use Zoom, email, telephone, Facebook, etc. to stay connected with that dear friend. Or I may invite her to come, to do the driving I cannot do.

    When we read and unthinkingly absorb phrases such as the two I have indicated here, we are deepening within ourselves the false and negative myths of aging.  As a result, we too would react in the same way those young Black children reacted in The Doll Study when they were asked, at the end of their session, “Show me the doll that looks like you.”

    (The narrative about The Doll Study and internalized ageism can be found in the first page and a half of a longer piece I wrote. Find it here:

  • I’m Not a Young Woman

    Lowe’s had a large selection of vacuum cleaners, and I needed one. I had just moved to begin a new ministry and was shopping that Saturday afternoon for some basics for the small house I was renting. The salesman was helping another woman when I walked up. I was there only a moment or two before he looked at me and said, “I’ll be with you in a minute, young woman.” To which I responded politely, “I’m not a young woman.” The woman he was helping was probably embarrassed at my apparent lack of social sensitivity to this well-meaning salesman. She turned to me and said, “He’s trying to make you feel good.” “I know,” I said, “but I’ve lived 63 years to look like this, and I don’t want any of those years or experiences disregarded.”

    How many of us have not had that experience at least once since we passed 55 or 60 years of age? How did we really feel about such a remark? A good feeling because maybe we really don’t look as old as we really are? Maybe ‘they’ really think I am still young. And am I happy that I am seen as still young?

    Our western society is so terribly ageist. The state of youthfulness is worshipped and sought after to the tune of billions of dollars raked in by the cosmetic and anti-aging industry here in the United States alone. On the other hand, birthday cards for anyone 30 or older make degrading joke after degrading joke about one’s age. What a shame.

    Dr. Andrew Weil, in his recent book, HEALTHY AGING addresses this concept of our society’s abhorrence of aging. He concludes by saying that no matter how much we spend on hormonal supplements, plastic surgery or anti-aging cosmetics, we cannot stop the aging process, and we should “accept” our aging. No, Dr. Weil, we should not “accept” our aging, we should CHERISH and HONOR our aging. It is a sacred part of our life journey.

    For me as a Sister of Divine Providence, it is another wonderful and good aspect of God’s Providential love and care. For me, aging is an adventure. I’ve never been this old before! Who will I be as an old(er) person? How will the experiences of my life, both inner and outer experiences, show themselves in my face, in my body?

    Aging can hold much pain for some of us. I don’t deny that. Many older adults suffer complex health problems. But that is not a universal experience. Each of us has some control over how our older years will be lived based on our inherited genes and by the way we live each day now: healthy diet, at least a 30-minute walk, positive attitudes, and informed, regular care of body, mind and spirit.

    If we each fought ageism every time we encountered it, whether it is public policy or a well-meaning sales clerk, wouldn’t we individually be a lot more psychologically healthier? Wouldn’t our entire society be a lot healthier?

    Can you look at yourself in the mirror and smile with gratitude for the life’s journey that has been yours so far, and that reveals itself in that face you see in the mirror?

    © March 26, 2007 by Imelda Maurer, cdp

  • I Never Saw Your Wrinkles

    Lowe’s had a large selection of vacuum cleaners, and I needed one. I had just moved to begin a new ministry and was shopping that Saturday afternoon for some basics for the small house I was renting. The salesman was helping another woman when I walked up. I was there only a moment or two before he looked at me and said, “I’ll be with you in a minute, young woman.” To which I responded politely, “I’m not a young woman.” The woman he was helping was probably embarrassed at my apparent lack of social sensitivity to this well-meaning salesman. She turned to me and said, “He’s trying to make you feel good.” “I know,” I said, “but I’ve lived 63 years to look like this, and I don’t want any of those years or experiences disregarded.”

    How many of us have not had that experience at least once since we passed 55 or 60 years of age? How did we really feel about such a remark? A good feeling because maybe we really don’t look as old as we really are? Maybe ‘they’ really think I am still young. And am I happy that I am seen as still young?

    Our western society is so terribly ageist. The state of youthfulness is worshipped and sought after to the tune of billions of dollars raked in by the cosmetic and anti-aging industry here in the United States alone. On the other hand, birthday cards for anyone 30 or older make degrading joke after degrading joke about one’s age. What a shame.

    Dr. Andrew Weil, in his recent book, HEALTHY AGING addresses this concept of our society’s abhorrence of aging. He concludes by saying that no matter how much we spend on hormonal supplements, plastic surgery or anti-aging cosmetics, we cannot stop the aging process, and we should “accept” our aging. No, Dr. Weil, we should not “accept” our aging, we should CHERISH and HONOR our aging. It is a sacred part of our life journey.

    For me as a Sister of Divine Providence, it is another wonderful and good aspect of God’s Providential love and care. For me, aging is an adventure. I’ve never been this old before! Who will I be as an old(er) person? How will the experiences of my life, both inner and outer experiences, show themselves in my face, in my body?

    Aging can hold much pain for some of us. I don’t deny that. Many older adults suffer complex health problems. But that is not a universal experience. Each of us has some control over how our older years will be lived based on our inherited genes and by the way we live each day now: healthy diet, at least a 30-minute walk, positive attitudes, and informed, regular care of body, mind and spirit.

    If we each fought ageism every time we encountered it, whether it is public policy or a well-meaning sales clerk, wouldn’t we individually be a lot more psychologically healthier? Wouldn’t our entire society be a lot healthier?

    Can you look at yourself in the mirror and smile with gratitude for the life’s journey that has been yours so far, and that reveals itself in that face you see in the mirror?

    © March 2 2007 by Imelda Maurer, cdp